butty's Cancer Blog

July 1, 2009

I disappeared because I was unexpectedly hospitalized.

It was warm warm day in San Francisco on Sunday and Gay Pride Weekend was being celebrated by hundreds of thousands and the best I could do to share in the celebration was to shiver with chills under the covers while watching my fever increase steadily throughout the day. Really bad bouts of bathroom war exhausted my body and by 10:30 PM Todd refused that we stay home any longer given my fever had just passed 101 and he pulled me off to the hospital. I would have stayed home if it wasn’t for him as I was too depleted; but, I am so glad I went now that the hospital stay is now over.

UGH! Gay Pride Night at San Francisco General Hospital at 11PM… shoot I thought it would be a ZOO and I had no interests whatsoever in going. I did everything in my power to bulk and balk and avoid traveling to the hospital but lucky for me Todd pushed me and convinced me it would be the best thing to do. So off we went to the ER.

Arriving so late I had no idea how many hours it would take before I was even seen or triaged but given I could not sit nor stand in the waiting room my body language soon alerted those in charge that this boy here needed some help fast. Of course the ER was “Locked Down” by the police so they weren’t letting anyone in. Regardless I was triaged in within ten minutes! I love then so much for seeing how much discomfort I was in. I stayed in the ER from 11PM until 3PM the next day when I was admitted due to my drop in white blood cells. The scene was surreal and I guess the morphine they blessedly gave to me added to my sense of the experience. Of course, I had to go the bathroom and I sure made a mess in what was already a messy bathroom; but, all of that ‘life’ so real and profound, such suffering and stories being heard all around me along with my own cries of pain made for a complex emotional experience.

Many tests: CT scan with anal infusion of imaging dye (OUCH!), Xrays, CBCs, blood cultures. two pic line placements, one in each arm, and tons of antibiotics, ..you have been there too so I won’t elaborate.. Tests determining that I did not have enough white blood cells so off I went to be admitted which finally happened later in the afternoon on Monday.

I felt a lot of care from very busy nurses, unit clerks, and doctors all who appeared to give me as much time as I needed. I tried not to be to NURSE CALL BUTTON HAPPY and used it only when really necessary. Lucky for me I had a private room with a view! I made it through the worse part of this treatment i hope now and i am on the mend, , , ,

The best news is that an ambulance was arranged to take me to and from one hospital to another—- for my very last radiation treatment on Tuesday -—returning to SF General for a discharge after a sweet and joyful visit with my social worker, Rachael , , , I got great care and service from the unit that I understand wrote the book on the latest in chemo treatment plan, I feel very lucky and grateful.

I digitally recorded the ambulance ride and my conversation with the guys who took me. They were surprised to hear I wanted to record our conversations with the hope of using it during an art show I want to create on “The Faces of Public Health”——- Aaron, who rode in the back with me told me so many stories and shared so much with me about his observations of public health. I will post the audio files sometime soon once I convert them to mp3s. I also recorded my last radiation treatment session so I can use that digital sound file within the context of the exhibition also.

When I left radiation they of course gave me my ‘brace device’ which I consider a ‘ready-made’ piece of sculpture which my hand, the hand of the artist, had nothing to do with creating . . . but this sculpture was created by medical technicians who had no idea what they were doing for this artist. I of course will show the brace which has “FROG LEGGED” written on it. Of course that describes the position of my legs during all of the treatments: open and vunerable, accepting in the fillet of my body my willingness to be healed by their techniques.

What magic our sciences hold to their testament and success, which comes to fruition, of course, in harmony with the spirit of we patients to willingly choose to weave our bodies into this healing symbiosis. The machines and medicines of sciences are transformed into healing devices relative to the energy and attitudes we bring to the table. Granted, we are all going to die someday so what is success other than living lives well worth living in celebration of love and . . . suffering which gives life so much meaning. I am glad I hurt because now I can empathize more fully with the full spectrum of human existence unfolding all around us. We will always be a part of this web of life even after we die.
Frank